An open letter to Hirakoba-Kun

[avant_goya]

(Who most certainly has time to check social media considering the number of hours he must be spending browsing various housing ads, so do not even bother pretending you haven’t seen this entry.)

While I appreciate the assistance(?) in finding a place to stay in Japan, I’m afraid in your zeal to accommodate me you may have overlooked a number of zeroes in my budget. Fortunately, I’ve since managed to find a place that suits my needs for the time being.

That said, I figure it’s rude to let your hard work go unmentioned, so hereby a comprehensive list of features picked from the advertisements you forwarded to my email that I do not actually need or want to pay extra for;
1. A sauna that can fit 6 people. 
2. A luxury built-in cat jungle gym. (You may have noticed I own exactly zero cats.)
3. A heated indoor pool. 
4. A house custom outfitted with special collar and timer activated doggy flaps in all doors except for the bathroom. (I also own exactly zero dogs.)
5. Three or more spare bedrooms. 
6. ‘Thoroughly tested sound-proofing in the bedrooms.’
7. Three separate walk-in closets in a one-bedroom apartment. (Unlike some people I’ll refrain from mentioning, I actually know how to operate a washing machine.)
8. Membership to the neighboring beauty salon included with lease. 
9. A view ‘absolutely worth the extra 50,000 yen a month’.
10. A special permit to keep pigs (company animals, not intended for commercial use only) on the premises.
11. A doubly reinforced, extra large Jacuzzi, ‘able to withstand even the most intense bathing experiences, winky face’. 

Budgeting issues aside though, I appreciate the thought and effort stuck into forwarding me this impressively large collec. Should I ever end up with a few million yen I absolutely can’t come up with another use for, I know exactly who to take along for apartment viewings in order to land the highest quantity of subjectively useless luxury features.

P.S. Next time, just stick multiple links into the body of one fucking email. Triple digits is a bit overzealous, one might think you're being neglected. Of course, I'd be more than happy to come over and bring you a smoothy tomorrow if you are, in fact, feeling neglected. I'm not totally heartless.
.

Comments

[legally_blond]

I'll concede some of your points, but I think you could be convinced about the merits of the others.

1. That's understandable, Eishirou. 6 people is a bit small. I'll keep an eye out for at least 7 people, I know how much better that will suit your entertaining needs.

3. Do you enjoy swimming in cold water? I don't. Although apparently it's good for your libido. Would an unheated indoor swimming pool suffice?

4. Ownership of dogs is debateable...

5. Extremely important. What if you have lots of guests? Are you just going to let them all sleep in your bed with you? I don't like to share.

6. It's for all that grunting you do while you train. It's to be thoughtful of your neighbours.

7. I know how to use a washing machine, thank you very much. My cleaning lady does it for me.

9. Did you give up the morning meditation? I thought it could be useful.

10. At least you didn't deny that you own pigs.

11. Also, extremely important.

I feel like you're overexaggerating my emails a bit, Eishirou. It's almost like you didn't enjoy seeing the notification with my name pop up again after all these years.

[avant_goya]

1. If you really want to sit in an oversized bathtub more often, maybe you should consider remodeling that second bedroom of yours? I'm sure underdressed orphans would rejoice the required goodwill donation for years to come.
3. I feel this statement has opened a new window into specific aspects of your lifestyle, considering the amount of time we spent in the (unheated) ocean as teenagers.
4. ....arguably a good point.
5. If I could go back in time and change one thing it'd be allowing Kai-kun to crawl into bed with me as a small child, as it apparently served as lifelong blanket entitlement to my sleeping space for all my friends.
6. Do you want a firsthand demonstration of how quietly graceful I can be while executing my forms?
7. It's quite alright, Hirakoba-kun. I'll try to be only slightly judgemental of your inability to operate basic household appliances without someone holding your hand.
9. I meditate with my eyes closed, Hirakoba-kun.
10. I'm not going to dignify that with a response.
11. No.

I don't think email notifications tally retroactively. If you're overcompensating as a consequence of feeling neglected; the first step in fixing a problem is acknowledging you have one. We'll get you through this, Hirakoba-kun.

[legally_blond]

1. Ah, but the idea was that it was going to be in your place. I don't like to entertain people in a bathtub, I much prefer beds.

3. Yours as well, you know. I also didn't spend at much time as I would have when I was in high school.

4. Just think of how convenient it could be. It does depend on him being able to find the place though, which I somehow doubt...

5. Don't even try to pretend like you don't enjoy it. You didn't answer my question though.

6. Pass. I've seen enough of it to know the noise level.

7. There's no point in using a washing machine. I don't have clothes I need to wash. I don't even know why I still have one in the apartment. I might as well just get rid of it and convert the space into a shoe closet. Much more useful.

9. There's always time to change. Floor to ceiling glass windows could be a good incentive, if the view is amazing.

10. That's enough of one. You know what I'm talking about.

11. Have you tried it? You shouldn't reject it before you do.

I did miss your ridiculous mothering, Eishirou. Tell me more about how you're going to help me solve my many problems. Probably starting with my alcohol intake and lack of socks.

Also, I will have you know I am currently studying. Not just looking at social media.

[avant_goya]

1. Thank you for this information. I'm absolutely thrilled to know this about you.
3. In this particular case, I feel it may be more relevant to you than it is to me.
4. It may actually not be a terrible idea to invest in some kind of mechanism that'll keep him from being able to go outside out of specific hours....
5. Realistically speaking, I'm fairly certain spare bedrooms in any space I own are more likely to house freeloaders than guests.
6. Speaking of, have you been keeping up your own training?
7. Hoarding is generally considered a problem. More importantly, you absolutely have clothes to wash. Not feeling the need to actually do so does not negate that you have laundry. That someone else does for you. Presumably using the very washing machine you consider expendable.
9. Meditation serves the purpose of clearing one's head. If I want a nice view I'll go to a museum.
10. I'm setting up my blender as we speak.
11. I don't understand your preoccupation for getting me into an oversized bathtub.

I don't think it's your lack of any kinds of clothes we should be addressing first.
I believe you, Hirakoba-kun. Absolutely.

[dontgiveafox]

Gosh golly, it must be nice to have such helpful friends. I wish I'd had someone sending me real estate listings when I first moved here. All I got were flyers for discount pizza.

[avant_goya]

With friends like these, who needs enemies. On the plus side, at least vouchers actually save you money. Hirakoba's real estate choices most certainly do not.

[legally_blond]

I'm actually a little hurt at just being called Hirakoba...

[avant_goya]

The price of neglecting to respond to my emails for long periods of time is steep, Hirakoba-kun.

[dontgiveafox]

Maybe you should suggest he buys one of them and you can mooch off him and enjoy the many benefits. I'm all for the luxury built in cat jungle gym. Or the sauna. I too wish to sweat out my body weight in water and enjoy the youthful vitality it will bring my skin.

[avant_goya]

I suppose it's good to know my options should I ever become destitute enough to have to rely on charity.

[bana_an_na]

3 and 4 I would love.

I recommend playing The Sims if he'd like to make a his dream home with all of these options.

I know basil gardens I'd pretty cheap.

[avant_goya]

I can personally assure you that the pros of everything on this list are outweighed by the price tag accompanying them. I'd like to actually be able to afford my tuition alongside my rent.

I'd be very curious to see whether or not Hirakoba-kun's digital dreamhouse would involve any washing machines.

[bana_an_na]

Of course. Maybe you can install a mini disco light in your room, that sounds lavish and inexpensive.

I would hope he washes his clothes.

[avant_goya]

I suppose I could put some thought into atmospherical lighting, but I'm afraid for the time being extra light sources may highlight the general existence of Kamio-kun's shoes. I think they might actually glow in the dark.

As for Hirakoba's clothing habits, that is a rabbit hole you may not wish to enter.

[cumsquik]

That gouya looks familiar

(ooc: I'm assuming they are already roommates? If Kite is just moving in now, I will rewrite this comment)

[avant_goya]

It's my spitting image, I know.

(ooc: I figure he's probably finished unpacking and stuff the day/week before, so it's all good)

[cumsquik]

I think it's the tie. And the eyes.

[avant_goya]

But mostly the eyes.

[maruibuns]

YOU! I know you.

[avant_goya]

Maybe I just have one of those faces.

[maruibuns]

Remarkable face.


And attitude.

[avant_goya]

And fashion sense.

[shishidoryo]

Dude, what the fuck was in that smoothy you left me?!

[avant_goya]

Kale, Goya, the tears of my enemies and an extra year added to your lifespan.

You're welcome.

[shishidoryo]

Kale? Is that the angry looking lettuce things?

I thought you meant a proper smoothie with bananas and good stuff. Warning before hand, maybe.