An open letter to Hirakoba-Kun

[avant_goya]

(Who most certainly has time to check social media considering the number of hours he must be spending browsing various housing ads, so do not even bother pretending you haven’t seen this entry.)

While I appreciate the assistance(?) in finding a place to stay in Japan, I’m afraid in your zeal to accommodate me you may have overlooked a number of zeroes in my budget. Fortunately, I’ve since managed to find a place that suits my needs for the time being.

That said, I figure it’s rude to let your hard work go unmentioned, so hereby a comprehensive list of features picked from the advertisements you forwarded to my email that I do not actually need or want to pay extra for;
1. A sauna that can fit 6 people. 
2. A luxury built-in cat jungle gym. (You may have noticed I own exactly zero cats.)
3. A heated indoor pool. 
4. A house custom outfitted with special collar and timer activated doggy flaps in all doors except for the bathroom. (I also own exactly zero dogs.)
5. Three or more spare bedrooms. 
6. ‘Thoroughly tested sound-proofing in the bedrooms.’
7. Three separate walk-in closets in a one-bedroom apartment. (Unlike some people I’ll refrain from mentioning, I actually know how to operate a washing machine.)
8. Membership to the neighboring beauty salon included with lease. 
9. A view ‘absolutely worth the extra 50,000 yen a month’.
10. A special permit to keep pigs (company animals, not intended for commercial use only) on the premises.
11. A doubly reinforced, extra large Jacuzzi, ‘able to withstand even the most intense bathing experiences, winky face’. 

Budgeting issues aside though, I appreciate the thought and effort stuck into forwarding me this impressively large collec. Should I ever end up with a few million yen I absolutely can’t come up with another use for, I know exactly who to take along for apartment viewings in order to land the highest quantity of subjectively useless luxury features.

P.S. Next time, just stick multiple links into the body of one fucking email. Triple digits is a bit overzealous, one might think you're being neglected. Of course, I'd be more than happy to come over and bring you a smoothy tomorrow if you are, in fact, feeling neglected. I'm not totally heartless.
.

Comments

[bana_an_na]

3 and 4 I would love.

I recommend playing The Sims if he'd like to make a his dream home with all of these options.

I know basil gardens I'd pretty cheap.

[avant_goya]

I can personally assure you that the pros of everything on this list are outweighed by the price tag accompanying them. I'd like to actually be able to afford my tuition alongside my rent.

I'd be very curious to see whether or not Hirakoba-kun's digital dreamhouse would involve any washing machines.

[bana_an_na]

Of course. Maybe you can install a mini disco light in your room, that sounds lavish and inexpensive.

I would hope he washes his clothes.

[avant_goya]

I suppose I could put some thought into atmospherical lighting, but I'm afraid for the time being extra light sources may highlight the general existence of Kamio-kun's shoes. I think they might actually glow in the dark.

As for Hirakoba's clothing habits, that is a rabbit hole you may not wish to enter.

[bana_an_na]

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any glow in the dark but I think he has some interesting colored ones.

Oh, so you're rooming with Akira-kun?

If he one of those nudists? who only wears clothes in pubic? So he owns like..two shirts?

[avant_goya]

Interesting is certainly a word for it, yes. I'm indeed living with Kamio-kun, though I might petition the eviction of those shoes. They clash with existence itself.

I try not to think too hard on the specifics of when Hirakoba-kun does or doesn't wear clothes. I suppose it is a small mercy he owns more than two shirts, at least. No, Hirakoba-kun simply prefers buying new clothes over rewearing old ones.

[bana_an_na]

Guess I'll have to bring more leftovers then~ Please take care of him. ♥

That's such a waste of money. ):

[avant_goya]

I don't know about taking care of him, but I suppose I'll try and run wardrobe interference where I can. This can't be good for his business image. Or my sanity.

I have tried explaining this to him. It has yet to stick.

[bana_an_na]

He likes flames.... See about that. No flames on his work clothes


When he's broke he'll learn.

(ooc: Strikes screened to kite)

[avant_goya]

I noticed. I rather wish I didn't, but I noticed.

That'll be the day. He's probably quite safe for the time being, but it'd be interesting to introduce him to concepts like 'budgets'.

[bana_an_na]

Kind of hard not to notice.

Thrift stores are fun. Sometimes I'll go and see if they have any interesting used clothing items.

[avant_goya]

Again; unfortunate.

So long as you make sure to wash it thoroughly, just in case. A sewing machine also greatly expands one’s options.

[bana_an_na]

I do and ...I'm awful at sewing. Can't be good at everything.

[avant_goya]

it is never too late to pick up a new skill.

[bana_an_na]

Needles love my fingers.

[avant_goya]

Thimbles exist.

[bana_an_na]

...True. Sleeping beauty should have known about thimbles. It would have saved everyone some time and effort.

[avant_goya]

They’re probably fortunate the spinning wheel purge didn’t actually work, or they’d be struggling with a national fabric shortage.